flower

(no subject)

My dearest Jen of 2013,

I started to cry the moment Jammi told me to write to you. Right there and then I felt the infinite love I have for you. I knew that all I have to do really was look at you to find my healing.

Thank you for loving the me, the Jen of 2016, as much as you did. I have no idea where you found the blinding courage and strength to go through what you went through. I admire the way you so proactively took charge of your healing. I remember you going online, finding all of those books, reading while crying through all of those books, and, with every fiber of your being, putting all of those theories in action no matter how excruciating.

It was beautiful watching you fight against the resistance to open your heart to slowly fill it with grace and love. Jen, goodness, I have no idea how you did it. I'm in complete awe that you managed to get yourself through 2013, 2014, and 2015 on your own. It was just you and your beautiful heart.

I remember the time you were going home from FC sometime in late 2013 and early 2014. You thought you were having a conversation with yourself but looking back now I know you were talking with your angels. I am alone you said to which your angels replied: You have yourself. That is enough. And then I remember a deep sense of calm settled within you because you connected to the truth that your Higher Self holds true.

ISANG PAGPUPUGAY SA KUNG SINO KA NOON, NGAYON AT SA HINAHARAP. MABUHAY KA!

Asahan mong itutuloy ko, ang Jen ng 2016, ang laban para sa yo at sa mga susunod pang mga Jen. I will fight for you as bravely as you fought for me. Mahal na mahal kita.

-----

I have no more words at the moment. This feels exactly like when Kriya and I are asked to define who we are to each other. We just have no words for it.

But this will be done every month during the full moon.
flower

(no subject)

I have been sitting with this feeling of quiet ego desperation for quite some time. Ever since I have realized that I'm meant to stay for the time being, my ego has been shuffling its feet. The thing is, I still don't want to stay. I want to leave. I don't want to stay in the Philippines. Because I don't feel free here. I, God, I, don't know. I think things might be a little better if I moved out of my parents place. But generally the freedom I felt when I was living in Spain honestly cannot compare to what I feel here.

And now that both Bheng and Kriya will be studying abroad, my God, it's such a huge blow. Bheng and Kriya were the only people ever since Miks that were allowed to enter my heart as deeply as they did. I remember saying goodbye to Kriya in Valladolid. I was bawling my eyes out. That happened in July 2015. Bheng is leaving sometime time in August or September and I have a feeling I will bawl my eyes out as well. God, this absolutely bites. I will be alone again.

But that my friends is the ego. That is the ego shouting loud and clear that people leave because I'm unworthy. Separation exists between me and the people I love because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. But I know that isn't real.

Lately there has been a lot of resistance as to what my higher self knows should be done. I'm not ready to leave the country now and I'm not sure if I would be ready to leave the country next year. I feel like some sort of karmic connection must take place before I get to leave again. Some grand resolution. I have a feeling it's got something to do my roots. Something about my parents or my true identity. I think I have to stay because I have to train in the ways of the ancient. Something about energy and healing.

Things are lining up in a very freaky way to be honest. Even my Ashtanga practice I think is being pushed by the Universe to go up a notch. Since I plan to study again I plan to start teaching at 1 PM. Starting that late would ensure that I would definitely get to practice in the morning. Plus since I'm gonna be a student again, I think I technically get to enroll in a diving class in UP. DIVING. WOW. And OMG, even my stars agree with everything:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/super-new-moon-in-aries-trust-in-the-magic-of-new-beginnings/

But even with such overwhelming evidence that yes, I have to stay for the time being my ego's like OMG YOU GOTTA LEAVE THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW. What?

But I stick with my prefrontal cortex and acknowledge the presence of my emotions. I stay because I have to. Because some karma needs to be settled between myself and the people here before I get to go.

-----

Oh I had such weird episode during savasana last night. I was desperately calling out to my angels, my guides, and God to please bring someone who's gonna guide me and hopefully reflect the goodness in my heart whenever the ego is screaming its head off. Because it gets too much sometimes. I was begging and I was crying. I was saying: Please please please if you're gonna take away Kriya and Bheng please bring in someone who's gonna help me as much as they both did in my journey. Please. And I promise, my entire being, my Higher Self, my physical body, every single cell I will offer to fulfill my mission on earth. But please please please I need help.

And then I felt this surge of grounding energy enter my body. I felt the energy of the earth blossom from within, creating red roots to connect my being to energy of the earth. I also felt my ancestors. My great grandmother and my grandmother's presence. They were there assuring me that I'm safe. That there is safety.

-----

*takes a deep breath* OK. Universe, I trust you. I'm gonna do my best but I need your help.
flower

(no subject)

I just talked to Kriya and I felt like crying half of the time. It's been quite a while. I'm at a loss for words. That always happens with him. I don't know why but what I have with Kriya is something that will always transcend words. What I have with him is so difficult to quantify. He's not a friend, a lover or a brother. He's so much more than all of those things. I think Kriya is the 1st person I have met that I don't feel any form separation from. The love we have for each other transcends any sort of quantifiable aspect of love (not that love is quantifiable in the first place). It's kinda like none of all the traditional notions of what love is and at the same time it all is like that. All I know is that he and I have massive karmic exchange in our previous lives.

I have also been reflecting on what Kriya said about me being a Taurus. Because my goodness, the bull has been rearing it's incredibly stubborn head. I have no idea why I keep on resisting all of this. I remember talking to Miqo and him telling me that he sees so much fire in me. He used the metaphor of a phoenix: I just totally consumed myself in frames and then completely transformed my entire being. He's right. But now I don't know why I'm having so much trouble walking my phoenix path.

Bheng too was right when she said that every single thing was just falling into place. Healing myself in Dumaguete by embracing the fact that I'm clairsentient and that I'm a healer, FC burning down, medical anthropology, all the lightwork --- I mean it's impossible to ignore this. I'm meant to do this and I'm meant to be here for the time being.

Oh but the ego is noisy. The ego talks about scarcity, fear, and separation which are all illusions. But thank God for my awareness. Because it honestly is the only thing that keeps me going whenever I feel so groundless. This -- all of these changes -- are all meant for me, for the evolution of my beautiful consciousness so I can help others heal.

Oh God. I'm gonna study medical anthropology. And then I'm gonna get my PhD. I am such a nerd. But really, is there any use resisting all of these things? All of my fears, no really all of them, what if they come true? What if they manifest? What would I do? What would I choose? I already know the answer to that. I'm going to choose love for myself and for others no matter how impossible. So yeah.

So yeah, Universe. I'm finally ready for my second MA degree, ahihihi. I'm ready to be a medical and linguistic anthropologist.
flower

(no subject)

I cannot believe how kilig I am by this entire thing that I'm starting to get pretty embarrassed. But my God, it feels incredible. It's different you know. It's different now that I'm more aware. I'm more sensitive to what's going on inside me that it's just so much easier to get swept away by feelings like these. I'm not really too pleased about this TBH. Ego identification, I have realized yesterday, is ego identification no matter what sort of feelings it identifies with. Being asleep, wether be it something I like feeling or not, is not something I'm working towards.

I find it somewhat weird that it kinda doesn't matter to me if he has a girlfriend or not or if things indeed progress between us. Wait what, we're thinking about things progressing already? I just started talking to him yesterday. I cannot believe how happy I am about what happened. So I was in Museum Café with Jad, Anna, and Liza for the junior Spanish section meeting. He passed by and I flashed him this embarrassingly huge smile. I was happy
flower

(no subject)

I don't know what's going on but lately I have been feeling him. I felt him first during my plane ride from Manila to Dumaguete. The plane was landing and then I suddenly felt his love. There was deep a sense of profound joy and love as he made his presence known. I sent him love back.

The same thing happened this morning. I was performing reiki on myself and I was feeling this urgency of release. A damn of energy needed to be released from within. It was incredibly uncomfortable and somehow I just suddenly found myself saying the word "husband". I felt his presence again.

I'm a little creeped out but I have been doing this long enough to know that all I have to do is just trust. My future husband is sending me love. I don't know who he is but he's sending me love. I don't know how that's even possible but that's what my claircognizance is telling me. My future husband is transmitting love and I have been feeling it.

Wow.

There is a huge possibility that I will be studying again next semester. I think I will be studying anthropology. I'm incredibly interested in medical anthropology and linguistic anthropology. There you go. My second MA degree. And then I get my PhD. Oh wow. I can hear my ego saying how teaching + studying will be impossible. What? No. Shit, this is it. I have a few months to decide but I'm actually pretty interested in this.

I will be an academic healer. I will spread knowledge, healing and love wherever I go. #commitment #intention
flower

(no subject)

Hy heart hurts so much from the tragedy that was FC. I have no words for what we have lost personally and institutionally.
flower

(no subject)

Miqo sent me a message tonight.

Hi Jenny! As the first day of the year, let me gift you a simple intuitive message:

You were thrown, pushed, pulled, shaped, broken, reshaped, and hurled. The Moon embraces you. The Sun heals you. The Universe collects you now. Everyone, like a thousand angels, whispers in your ear, "Well done." It is time. You are ready.

Happy New Year kindred spirit! Thank you for existing in this lifetime and timeframe with me. I love you!

---

Wow, I survived all of that. I cannot stop crying.

Handa na ko.
flower

(no subject)

What have I done with your gift? Both the love and the heartache?

Well, I let the love and the heartache transform me into who I really AM. And with the that I discovered my infinite capacity to love. And you know what I did? I painted the entire world, nay, the entire Universe with that love. That's what I did with your gift. I filled my multiverse with the love that radiates from my heart because of you.

I have no words for the love I have in my heart for you and for others.