Jenny (jennybaneni) wrote,
Jenny
jennybaneni

I have been sitting with this feeling of quiet ego desperation for quite some time. Ever since I have realized that I'm meant to stay for the time being, my ego has been shuffling its feet. The thing is, I still don't want to stay. I want to leave. I don't want to stay in the Philippines. Because I don't feel free here. I, God, I, don't know. I think things might be a little better if I moved out of my parents place. But generally the freedom I felt when I was living in Spain honestly cannot compare to what I feel here.

And now that both Bheng and Kriya will be studying abroad, my God, it's such a huge blow. Bheng and Kriya were the only people ever since Miks that were allowed to enter my heart as deeply as they did. I remember saying goodbye to Kriya in Valladolid. I was bawling my eyes out. That happened in July 2015. Bheng is leaving sometime time in August or September and I have a feeling I will bawl my eyes out as well. God, this absolutely bites. I will be alone again.

But that my friends is the ego. That is the ego shouting loud and clear that people leave because I'm unworthy. Separation exists between me and the people I love because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. But I know that isn't real.

Lately there has been a lot of resistance as to what my higher self knows should be done. I'm not ready to leave the country now and I'm not sure if I would be ready to leave the country next year. I feel like some sort of karmic connection must take place before I get to leave again. Some grand resolution. I have a feeling it's got something to do my roots. Something about my parents or my true identity. I think I have to stay because I have to train in the ways of the ancient. Something about energy and healing.

Things are lining up in a very freaky way to be honest. Even my Ashtanga practice I think is being pushed by the Universe to go up a notch. Since I plan to study again I plan to start teaching at 1 PM. Starting that late would ensure that I would definitely get to practice in the morning. Plus since I'm gonna be a student again, I think I technically get to enroll in a diving class in UP. DIVING. WOW. And OMG, even my stars agree with everything:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/04/super-new-moon-in-aries-trust-in-the-magic-of-new-beginnings/

But even with such overwhelming evidence that yes, I have to stay for the time being my ego's like OMG YOU GOTTA LEAVE THIS COUNTRY RIGHT NOW. What?

But I stick with my prefrontal cortex and acknowledge the presence of my emotions. I stay because I have to. Because some karma needs to be settled between myself and the people here before I get to go.

-----

Oh I had such weird episode during savasana last night. I was desperately calling out to my angels, my guides, and God to please bring someone who's gonna guide me and hopefully reflect the goodness in my heart whenever the ego is screaming its head off. Because it gets too much sometimes. I was begging and I was crying. I was saying: Please please please if you're gonna take away Kriya and Bheng please bring in someone who's gonna help me as much as they both did in my journey. Please. And I promise, my entire being, my Higher Self, my physical body, every single cell I will offer to fulfill my mission on earth. But please please please I need help.

And then I felt this surge of grounding energy enter my body. I felt the energy of the earth blossom from within, creating red roots to connect my being to energy of the earth. I also felt my ancestors. My great grandmother and my grandmother's presence. They were there assuring me that I'm safe. That there is safety.

-----

*takes a deep breath* OK. Universe, I trust you. I'm gonna do my best but I need your help.
Tags: anthropology, bheng, ego, kriya
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